My 36th birthday is one to celebrate

My birthday is one this year that I happy to celebrate. I had the day off as I usually do every year. I had to get my driver's license renewed and did it because I didn't like the picture I had before. Then it was off on the new bike that I will share soon. I had lunch with Jillian, Sarah, and Lindi at Cheesecake Factory. I had invited Amy, Catherine, and Natasha and they couldn't make it. I missed them very much and was disappointed cuz I was so excited to see them, but I understand. Had a nice time with Jillian and Sarah.
Then had my hair done. What a journey that has been. I was suppose to get it finished this weekend and Krystalynn never called me. I am bummed cuz I really wanted it done before I went home for Thanksgiving. It looks really cool, though.
Then that evening, Jake and the kids took me to dinner at Kobeya. It was really fun.
My mother-in-law sent me a gift card to eat and I had dinner with my family at Macaroni Grill, then had dessert, my favorite - Tiramisu, mmmmmmmmmmm.

Last night, I met Sarina, Alan, Brittanie, and Diana at Johnny B's. They blessed me with a couple of gifts, which I didn't care to have cuz just their presence was enough. Then we headed out to the Glass Cactus, a club at the Gaylord Texan Resort, which is down the street from our house. Peter met us there. Le Freak is such a fun band to watch. They play 70's and 80's music. Of course, they asked for any birthdays to join them on stage. I'm the first one on the stage and thought, surely, I'm not the only one. I tried to get away with saying I was 21, but they didn't believe me. It was such a blast. I LOVE MY FRIENDS who really go out of their way to show me they love me.

My surprise b-day party at school.

I walked into my classroom this morning and was surprised by the decorations from corner to corner. My students had been planning a surprise for me for weeks. They had their parents buy decorations and party ware. I was greeted with hugs, cards, gifts, brownies, cookies, donuts, capri suns, and lots of love. I am overwhelmed with joy and love by this class. They are the best. I cannot express how filled with joy I am right now.
After I went to gymnastics with Jeanice, I went to get my eye brows done and the kids went with their dad to get me a gift. When I got home, I turned the lights on and there on table were roses and I heard a surprise from the living room and there was a brand new beautiful bike with a balloon and a happy birthday sign attached. I took it out in the 46 degree weather and shouted like a kid, I am so happy.

The Holy Bible

My mom is such an amazingly strong woman of faith and if it were not for her, I wouldn't have the faith I have. She instilled the Word of God in my life. She would ask me everyday if I read the Bible. I find myself doing the same with my kids. I am okay with being a nag about that, cuz I know it's the one thing that will get them through life. Pastor Robert has been a series on the Holy Bible and has challenged me to read get more in the Word. I have always read the Word, but I am so hungry and thirsty for more of it. I go to Bible college and teach at a Christian private school, so the Word is all around me and I love it. But when I am alone with the Lord, He just does something in me that astounds me.

One thing I finally understood and grasped this most difficult year of my life, where I found the most joy in my life is that it is during the difficult times that I can exalt the name of the Lord that begins to change the circumstances around me for the good of those who love Him. When I studied Leah in the Bible and saw that she went through so much and didn't deserve or ask for any of it, I saw that we had a lot in common. Her father set her up to marry a man she didn't love and loved her sister not her. She lived that way for the rest of her life. She was miserable for a long time, but she finally had a son, whom she named Judah - "Let Jehovah be praised." When she began to praise Jehovah in the midst of her lonely, living in the shadow of her younger sister, life, she learned that the most rewarding life is the life of praising and exalting God.

When Daniel was in the belly of a fish, he learned to stop crying for God to get him out of situations and began praising Him, then his deliverance came. As Daniel found himself in dangerous situations, he called on the Name of the Lord in praise and the Lord changed his circumstances around. As Jeremiah lived in frustration and confusion and weeping for the lost people of that time, he extolled the glory of God.

I finally comprehend that I am to put God in His rightful place in my life and bring my will into His conformity. When I stopped asking God to change my life and began to praise Him in the storm of my life and put Him first in every area, and find the joy all around me is when I began to live in real joy and happiness.

A second chance

Today was my follow up appointment from my surgery. I was so nervous, anxious and curious all at the same time. As I drove to Ft. Worth, my mind kept racing of what the outcome would be and what would I do for the worst case and the best case scenerio.

As I sat in the room with no shirt on and a hospital gown, I nervously waited for the dr. When she told me that they got the cancer out, I just cried and hugged her. I wanted to scream. When I left that office and got in my car, that is what I did. I just wanted someone there to squeeze and shout with me.

I called my sister and she was so excited. I talked to my husband and didn't quite get the response I expected, but I didn't care, I am cancer free and that's what mattered. I cried and shouted rejoiced and praised the Lord all the way back to work. When I got there, I gave my boss a hug but couldn't say much as we were in my classroom. Then, every chance I thought of it, I cried tears of joy. I am thrilled.

My life is never the same. I eat differently, I work out hard, I research, I am more positive and live life as if each day were my last. I share God what he's done for me wherever I can. I have a second chance to live and share the gospel and spread God's amazing love.

I am surprised by the people in my life from all of this. I never expected my husband to take care of me and not just take care of me, but really be an amazing man of God - praying for me, cheering me on, supporting me, helping around the house, etc. I am surprised at the new people in my life and how much of a blessing they are to me. So many times, I felt alone and even today, I got what I didn't expect - some good and some not so good but over all, I am thrilled.

I finally get this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may be cancer free which I'm ecstatic about, but it doesn't end here. My life has forever changed this past year. I went from going through an ugly divorce to celebrating 11 years of marriage. I went from having two jobs this semester because I thought I needed it to only having one and being blessed beyond measure. I went from being diagnosed with breast cancer to having a clean bill of health. I went from unforgiveness to forgiveness. I went from frustration to peace. I went from total confusion to resting in my loving Father's arms. I went from co-dependency to complete dependence on God. I went from complete bondage to complete freedom - freedom to laugh, dance, shout, love and embrace life just as it is! MUAH!!!!

DANCE DANCE DANCE..................

I absolutely love to dance. Ever since I was a little kid, I just loved to dance. Growing up, I was taught that dancing was sinful. It didn't matter how much I drilled on how sinful it was, I loved to dance. Unfortunately, I had to sneak to the school dances. I even sneaked to prom. How sad is that. It wasn't til I was a junior in high school that I just said that I was going to prom. I use to go to under 21 dance clubs so I could dance. I loved cheerleading and of course, we danced there as well. I was always attracted to guys that danced. On of the things I am most attracted to about Jake is that he can dance. When I first met him, I was so excited that amongst other things, he was a Christian who would dance. One of my biggest regrets is that I was told that I couldn't have a dance at my wedding and my husband listened. That was something I never got over. How can I not have celebrate one of the happiest days of my life and not dance with my life partner. Seriously!!! I would have another wedding just so I could dance. I am not lying either. I was never the partier. I only like to dance. It wasn't till I was around 30 and I lived here in Dallas and I could see classy places to go and dance that I have enjoyed going to places where there is no smoking and drunks all over. I can go somewhere, order water the whole night and just dance. For our 11 yr. anniversary, Jake and I celebrated with a few friends; went to uptown Dallas and danced the entire night away. I didn't even take a bathroom break. It was sooooooooooooo fun!!!! I was then confronted by my mother at almost 36 yrs of age and asked if I'm serving the Lord and going to the same church. I had to tell my mom that I finally free to worship, live, and be happy under the grace of God and DANCE freely. Granted, I am not dancing in church or to worship music, but I was and am more intimate with my Heavenly Father than I ever have in my life and I don't have to hide who I am. I can have a drink, dance, laugh, and celebrate LIFE!!!!!

Now I am ready to do it again. I was just given a clean bill of health and I am going to CELEBRATE! There are people who drink to get drunk or to escape. There are people who eat for comfort. There are people who dance to be nasty. I drink, eat, and dance to add to my life of freedom. I never have gotten drunk, nor danced to be perverted nor done things that God would not allow me to do. Of course, I have fallen short of His glory, but it's usually cuz I refuse to forgive, or I blow up at my kids or husband, or I'm impatient about something, etc.; not because of dancing.

I was so excited to audition for a major Christmas production of the Christmas Carol and make the dance team. This team has been such a blessing. As soon as I told them that I needed prayer, they anointed me with oil and prayed over me, made me a prayer blanket, and after I had surgery, they brought my and family and me meals. This production is so awesome! I don't want it to end. I look forward to rehearsal on Thursdays.

I not only want to learn to latin dance but jazz, pole (yes, pole dancing is a great work out), and street dance. Any dancing is just fun!!!!

Fall Fest at Metroplex Chapel

The church on the campus where I teach at has a Fall Fest every year and Jeanice had been counting down the days and hours till it came. She woke up at 7:30 this morning and was showered and ready by 8 am. She loooooooooooves candy. She was going to dress as a cow girl again and when I remember we had a poodle skirt she decided to dress 50's style in honor of her Nauni's (my sister) 50th b-day. She wasn't going to till she saw the poodles on the skirt. Then they had free face painting and she got an angel face. One of her friends, Mallory bought her that pillow, just to be nice. Mallory is in my class this year and has such a giving spirit. Everything to eat was $.50 and I hadn't eaten a hotdog in months. It was not very good. I guess was picturing how unhealthy it was for me that i just didn't enjoy it. Then I tasted a soda and it was NASTY! I haven't has a soda in a really long time and, I guess I don't like them anymore. YAY!!! Jeanice had so much fun she forgot to eat and we forgot to have her eat. So, when we're on our way home, she asked what we ate and we realized she didn't. She went round and round the trunk or treat line. In TX, we back our cars in a row, with tons of candy and the kids come to our trunks and we give them hand fulls of candy and of course Jeanice is the last one going around after she had gone several times already. Now we have more candy than what we went with. UNBELIEVABLE! Josiah took about 30 min to come up with his costume as a ninja and took it all off within 5 min of being at the festival cuz none of his friends were there till a little later. I didn't even get a picture. I, of course, went as a cowgirl again and forgot to take a picture. Jake went as batman and took his off before I got a picture as well, so here is what I got with my camera phone. I got to visit with friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was great!!!!!
I am not a Holloween fan and my kids have never trick or treated and I don't want to take them. We decided that we wouldn't teach them something we don't believe in nor what was originated as a day to glorify devilish acts. It may be fun and I can see how it could be, but I believe what is practiced out of ignorance is deception. We will teach them the truth of the origin of the day and if they choose later to do as they wish, it will be between them and God as with everything we train them up in.
I was so tired by the end of the festival, I went home and crashed for two hours, then off to church and what an AWESOME message!!! Challenged us to read the Bible daily. I loved it!!!

Today is my sister's birthday!

Today, my sister, Marilee turns 50!!! She is 14 yrs. older than I. She is the sibling I have been the closest to. While growing up, she was like a second mother to me. I never like being the youngest of a family where all my siblings are so much older than I, but I had to get to place where I was content with it and it wasn't till a few years ago that I really learned to appreciate it.
Marilee is one of my bestest friends. She has heard and seen me cry, throw a fit, sing for joy, love, hate, and so many other things. I call her when I need advice, have questions, need prayer, am confused or simply to chat. She makes me laugh when I'm around her. I have always looked up to her as a wonderful role model. As I have gotten to know her now that I am an adult, I realize how much we are a lot alike and how I can learn from her. I remember, as a child, I would stay at her house a lot and Richard would ask me if they could could adopt me. I use to say no, until I got a little older and I wished they had. Then I grew up and realized they didn't have to, I was already somewhat like theirs. I know I will never be like a daughter to her, but I know she is like a mother to me and I am so grateful, Merl that you are in my life. I LOVE YOU more than you'll ever know!!!!

I will Survive!!!!!!!!!

I am proclaiming this by faith. I will survive!!! I have overcome by the blood of the Lamb! When I received the diagnosis of breast cancer, of course I was shocked. I really thought it would have back negative and benign and I could stop being concerned of this thing in my breast so I insisted the nurse tell me my results on the phone because I have already taken a lot of time off from my new summer job. So, she got the Nurse Practitioner to tell me and I guess even though Iheard her, I went into a state of shock and just went numb. I sat in my car and cried. Then I pulled myself together and went to back to work.

At the end of my work day, I decided that I will overcome and will not allow this to take me out. The following week, I went to see the Dr. and she was so encouraging. That was the day I had my one and only oral chemo treatment. A pastor friend had gone with me but I felt bad that we sat in the waiting room forever that I told to leave. As I drove home, I had memories of my dad after his chemo treatments and how sick he was. I remember his hair falling out and vomiting and just miserable. I use to feel so bad and helpless, so I was grateful for the oral chemo. Little did I know that four days later, I would be miserable as my dad was. Probably not as bad as he was, but pretty darn close, or at least it felt like it. I am such a horrible patient.

Well, after that day, I decided that there had to be a better way and even if there wasn't, I would not put my children through that emotion of feeling helpless. They were already stressed with their family torn apart that they didn't need to be concerned for their mother. When I researched and read and got information of living a more positive and healthy way, I chose life instead of death. To me (my opinion), chemo is deathly. Yes, I know many have survived taking it, but I figured one of two things were going to happen to me; 1) I will die 0r 2) I would live and if I die, then I will do so changing my life, way of thinking, and leaving my kids a better memory of me and I would enjoy life to fullest till I can't anymore. But if I live then I will have more knowledge, more life, and more to live for!!!!

Soooooo, I am more self controlled, disciplined and excited about life than I ever have. I hope I am contagious in the sense that I am the person I have always admired.

My dad was the MOST patient person I have ever met. My sister is so happy and positive and i admire her so very much. My mom is such a strong woman of faith. My niece has such a sweet, meek spirit and my other niece is so fun, loving and full of life. These people and others I would look at and say, "I wish I was more like that, or like this or I wish I had that characteristic." Then I realized I can and am and will be. :)

Not happily Ever After, but God's Will is Being Done

How do we go from the wedding picture to being a single mom and then to where we're celebrating 11 yrs. of marriage? Lots of mistakes, immaturity and wrong decisions. This is no happily ever after story and I read and hear so many happy stories and mine was suppose to be that and it didn't turn out that way, so I did what everyone else does when their life doesn't turn out the way they think it should or planned it; blame others, take some repsonsibility for some but allowed the enemy to torture my mind with what had been done to me. Soooooooooo.......

Here is the story in short form; I met Jake at Vicotry Love Fellowship Church in Albuquerque and we fell head over heals for each other. 15 mo. later we were married (8-29-98) and planned to have kids about 2-5 yrs after marriage, so we could adjust to married life and having a step son, but that didn't last long when I found out I was pregnant and 10 mo. later, May 8, 1999, Josiah Jacob arrived. I had all kinds of expectations about my life and how my husband should be and how my needs were going to be met. I had no clue what his needs were and was so ignorant of finding out. After going to pre-marriage class and marriage counseling and seminars, you would think that we'd get it. We just didn't grow up like we needed to. We had financial pressure and expectations of one another but none for ourselves. By the time our daughter, Jeanice Audrina was born, June 24, 2001, we were a mess and I didn't even know it.

In 2002, Jake decided to move us to Dallas, TX. I didn't know why and refused to go, but as I prayed, God told me to submit to my husband and He would take care of us. So, I did and have been living here for over 7 yrs. I absolutely love it. I'll share more of that in another blog.

While living here, we have separated five times, none of which I wanted. I wanted the counseling, the life changing books, the prayer, all the help that I thought we needed, which we did some, but not to completion. In May of 2008, I went to a deliverance weekend, Kairos, where healing can take place in our lives after life has painted all over it. It was so refreshing and healing for me. That was really the beginning of my healing. I was told that behaviorial change takes time. That not only meant for me, but for my husband and each time we would see some change, we expected it to be right away. When I saw things moving in the direction where I think Jake was going to leave again, I went to see Pastor Bob at Gateway, a licensed psychologist and heads up our Freedom's and Deliverance ministry. He gave me teachings on forgiveness, co-dependency and other helpful information. I immediately started listening to them and the transforming of my mind began to change.

When Jake left in December of 2008, I filed for divorce 5 days later. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. As I entered that court house, my legs went numb, my tongue tied and I felt like I was going to throw up, which I did later that night. As a matter of fact, I did several times for weeks. I continued counseling for 6 mo., and I was maturing, then I would have a set back or I just was led by my emotions and allowed the enemy a foothold of my mind.

It wasn't till June after I had an emotional break down of anger and hurt that I realized that I can no longer allow my emotions to dictate my mood, my life, my days, and the enemy was no longer going to control my mind. It was like the scales came off my eyes and my ears were undeafened. Though I could see and hear God, I just couldn't get past this one area. On that day, I made the decision that no one controlled my days anymore except God and me. After I was diagnosed with Breast cancer, I lost my second job that was going to carry me through after this school year as a single mother, so I hit rock bottom. I had never been fired in my life and now I have, my health is deteriorating, and my husband is gone. Are you kidding me? Why not just live like the world? It seemed to work for them. I went out with friends but I couldn't do anything God wouldn't allow me to. I love Him so much. I was just depressed. I think this is where Jake began to get concerned.

The following Friday, I called him to work because I was so sick from the chemo. He left work early to come take care of me and has ever since. It hasn't been easy nor has it been happily ever after. In that time, I chose to read the Love Dare book. I took the challenge and let me tell you what a challenege it was. I enjoyed some of it, but when I got nothing in return or an attitiude, whew it took everything God could give me to continue. One night, He was being a completel jerk and the next day, instead of me ruining my day and being angry or ugly, I chose to make him breakfast in bed and go about my day. I am not perfect and I realize that behaviorial change takes time, so I am no longer hard on myself or anyone else.

I have learned to COMPLETELY forgive. Something I thought I had done all throughout our marriage but looking back, I was quick to bing it up when I got hurt.

I have learned to love even when I am being hurt or the other person is unlovable to me. Anyone can love the loveable but it takes God's love in me to love the unloveable.

I have learned not to assume out loud and to ask questions instead. I have learned that assuming just makes an ASS-out of U-and-ME. hehehe - get it? If not, that's ok, I do.

I have learned to give with expecting. That is HARD!!!! This is where God showed me that I had pride. I was demanding that my needs got met and when they didn't I threw a tantrum.

I have made a decision that anyone elses bad mood, bad day, bad decisions, do not affect my day, my decisions or my life. It will affect their relationship with God and their kids. I am responsible for my behavior and I will no longer take the blame for another's.

Basically what all this comes down to is I matured.

You see, Our soul is eternal, but it didn't come alive until we were conceived. And when I was born again (which I feel like I just was this year, even though I have been for years), my spirit came alive. So from the time I was born again, my soul was in charge of my life. Once I was born again and my spirit starts telling my soul what to do, my soul throws a fit like a little baby. I had to wean my soul. I needed it to grow up. Psalm 131:1 says, "Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." If it's not in the bosom of God, my soul will act like a baby all of the time. The one thing that will calm my soul is to be held by God.That is where I have found my healing.

I have had the most amazing 3 months. I study, I play, I dance, I journal, I read, I hang out, I give, I smile, I laugh, I do what is positive and stay away from stress and negative.

Life Lessons

This part of my blog is going back in the year and catching ya'll up. I had been married for 10 1/2 years when I ended up being a single mom. In that time, I needed to mature in ways that would make me a happier person and a mother my children could call a heroine. First thing I needed to do is decide that I needed healing and help with that healing comes from a counsel. I attend the best church in the world - Gateway Church in Southlake, TX, where they hooked me up with a terrific counselor. Although, it was a nice place to vent and get some counsel, it wasn't until God really showed me how to trust HIM and rely in HIM that my real healing took place. Hearing that I have the power and the choice to live my life happy and not accept anyone else's chaos is a choice that I need to make. God had to deal with me little by little. In His grace and love, he showed me where forgiveness needed to take place. Forgiveness, not only toward my husband but for myself. Then I needed to deal with my pride. All of us has pride to deal with. I didn't think that I did, till God showed me where I did, so I released that to HIM. Then I decided to no longer accept the negative to ruin my days, my moments, my thoughts, or my life. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with breast cancer that I realized my life could be shortened even though it is already short. I realized that I needed to live each day as if it were my last. I could no longer allow circumstances, the environment or someone else's bad day ruin mine. I am God's and He is mine and I live for Him and I have two children who are learning from me. I am not perfect and behaviorial change takes time, so I need to be self controlled and patient, first with myself and then with others. I am now the person I use to admire in other people. I love me, I like me, and I like who I am becoming.

Josiah, Jeanice and I used the time we had alone to make forts in the living room, camp out in the back yard, go to Schlitterbahn, play games, do devotions and learn to make life happy as we focus our attention on God and each other. I am no longer embarrassed to say that I was going through a divorce or that I have breast cancer, and my life is not perfect, but it is and has been in a place where God could show up and be glorified. To God be the Glory.

Celebrate my life

This is new to me and have wanted to blog for some time, but since I am a working mom and student; my life is consumed with business, but since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had several thoughts I'd like to share and journal. I want to leave a legacy for my kids and all others to learn what I have learned or from my experiences.

I will begin with the present and move to the past and make my way around again. I was introduced to facebook last year and have reconnected with so many people; from churches I've attended to high school and work. There have been three very special friends in my past that I have reconnected with who have battled and are battling breast and were all in their 30's. So, I thought that I should be more aware and self examine myself. In March of this year, I felt some soreness in my right breast and felt around and felt a lump. I called my sister, Marilee and asked her if we had breast cancer in the family. She said no but there's always a first. I saw my Dr. in April, my mammogram in June. After my mammogram, I was putting my clothes back on and they said that I needed an ultrasound because they saw a mass. When completed, the Dr. mentioned I could get one of two kinds of biopsy's or we could just watch it over the next six months. I decided to get the minor biopsy which he recommended was the best. In July, I had the biopsy. I was nervous but expected to walk out of there with good news. I HATE needles but they numbed my breast, put an electric like screwdriver in my breast and snapped a few times as they removed tissue from the mass. I observed on the screen. When all was said and done that day, I walked away feeling confident that the worst was over with. The following week, I was told that the mass was malignant and a week later I am taking an oral chemo treatment, which was mild. On the first day, I felt ok, the next day, a little naseated, the third day a little more and finally the fourth day, I was sicker than a dog. I felt like I was going to die and I remembered my dad being so sick from all his chemo treatments and realized this is no way to live. I contacted my friend from New Mexico and she had chemo, radiation, lost her breast, her hair, went into remission and it still returned, so she decided to go wholisitic and inform others. She gave me lots info on changing my life. The following week, my husband whom I had been separated from the entire year took me to New Mexico to see her kinesiologist. That was a different kind of experience, but well worth it. He gave me so much information regarding disease in America, which I will share in another post. I left with 8 supplements and took for 6 weeks.

A week before I was scheduled to have surgery to take the tumor out I felt another lump. On October 19, I went in for my pre-admission for my surgery and the Dr. said she would see everything during surgery. My surgery was Friday, October 23. I went in at 5:30 am. Everyone at the hospital was so nice and very informative. I was so very nervous. They took me into the pre-op room where they put my iv in and oxygen wraps on my legs and blood pressure band. They were all amazed at how healthy I have lived. They said that they have never seen anyone there as healthy as I am and I should pull through just fine. That built my confidence. The board of directors of the school I teach at is on the board of the hospital I had my surgery and said I have the best surgeon and oncologist in the state of Texas. I was pleased with that.

Anesthesia is a funny thing. I remember the nurses pushing me down the hall, asking me a question and telling me that they will get my husband as soon as I am conscious, so I replied with, "That will be fine." I saw the double doors open and I could not tell you what was on the other side cuz I was out! When I woke up 1 1/2 hours later, I was in recovery with a male nurse. He got me ready to go to the bathroom. I was ready to go. I got ready and another nurse wheeled me to the car.

I was out for most of that day. Couldn't sleep that night nor the next day. I walked to the mailbox and realized that I couldn't walk at my normal speed. I slept better the next night and woke up and went to church. I loved church, but I was wore out.

I was so blessed by fb encouragement, plants, flowers, cards, dinner, and prayers. I am blessed.