Not happily Ever After, but God's Will is Being Done

How do we go from the wedding picture to being a single mom and then to where we're celebrating 11 yrs. of marriage? Lots of mistakes, immaturity and wrong decisions. This is no happily ever after story and I read and hear so many happy stories and mine was suppose to be that and it didn't turn out that way, so I did what everyone else does when their life doesn't turn out the way they think it should or planned it; blame others, take some repsonsibility for some but allowed the enemy to torture my mind with what had been done to me. Soooooooooo.......

Here is the story in short form; I met Jake at Vicotry Love Fellowship Church in Albuquerque and we fell head over heals for each other. 15 mo. later we were married (8-29-98) and planned to have kids about 2-5 yrs after marriage, so we could adjust to married life and having a step son, but that didn't last long when I found out I was pregnant and 10 mo. later, May 8, 1999, Josiah Jacob arrived. I had all kinds of expectations about my life and how my husband should be and how my needs were going to be met. I had no clue what his needs were and was so ignorant of finding out. After going to pre-marriage class and marriage counseling and seminars, you would think that we'd get it. We just didn't grow up like we needed to. We had financial pressure and expectations of one another but none for ourselves. By the time our daughter, Jeanice Audrina was born, June 24, 2001, we were a mess and I didn't even know it.

In 2002, Jake decided to move us to Dallas, TX. I didn't know why and refused to go, but as I prayed, God told me to submit to my husband and He would take care of us. So, I did and have been living here for over 7 yrs. I absolutely love it. I'll share more of that in another blog.

While living here, we have separated five times, none of which I wanted. I wanted the counseling, the life changing books, the prayer, all the help that I thought we needed, which we did some, but not to completion. In May of 2008, I went to a deliverance weekend, Kairos, where healing can take place in our lives after life has painted all over it. It was so refreshing and healing for me. That was really the beginning of my healing. I was told that behaviorial change takes time. That not only meant for me, but for my husband and each time we would see some change, we expected it to be right away. When I saw things moving in the direction where I think Jake was going to leave again, I went to see Pastor Bob at Gateway, a licensed psychologist and heads up our Freedom's and Deliverance ministry. He gave me teachings on forgiveness, co-dependency and other helpful information. I immediately started listening to them and the transforming of my mind began to change.

When Jake left in December of 2008, I filed for divorce 5 days later. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. As I entered that court house, my legs went numb, my tongue tied and I felt like I was going to throw up, which I did later that night. As a matter of fact, I did several times for weeks. I continued counseling for 6 mo., and I was maturing, then I would have a set back or I just was led by my emotions and allowed the enemy a foothold of my mind.

It wasn't till June after I had an emotional break down of anger and hurt that I realized that I can no longer allow my emotions to dictate my mood, my life, my days, and the enemy was no longer going to control my mind. It was like the scales came off my eyes and my ears were undeafened. Though I could see and hear God, I just couldn't get past this one area. On that day, I made the decision that no one controlled my days anymore except God and me. After I was diagnosed with Breast cancer, I lost my second job that was going to carry me through after this school year as a single mother, so I hit rock bottom. I had never been fired in my life and now I have, my health is deteriorating, and my husband is gone. Are you kidding me? Why not just live like the world? It seemed to work for them. I went out with friends but I couldn't do anything God wouldn't allow me to. I love Him so much. I was just depressed. I think this is where Jake began to get concerned.

The following Friday, I called him to work because I was so sick from the chemo. He left work early to come take care of me and has ever since. It hasn't been easy nor has it been happily ever after. In that time, I chose to read the Love Dare book. I took the challenge and let me tell you what a challenege it was. I enjoyed some of it, but when I got nothing in return or an attitiude, whew it took everything God could give me to continue. One night, He was being a completel jerk and the next day, instead of me ruining my day and being angry or ugly, I chose to make him breakfast in bed and go about my day. I am not perfect and I realize that behaviorial change takes time, so I am no longer hard on myself or anyone else.

I have learned to COMPLETELY forgive. Something I thought I had done all throughout our marriage but looking back, I was quick to bing it up when I got hurt.

I have learned to love even when I am being hurt or the other person is unlovable to me. Anyone can love the loveable but it takes God's love in me to love the unloveable.

I have learned not to assume out loud and to ask questions instead. I have learned that assuming just makes an ASS-out of U-and-ME. hehehe - get it? If not, that's ok, I do.

I have learned to give with expecting. That is HARD!!!! This is where God showed me that I had pride. I was demanding that my needs got met and when they didn't I threw a tantrum.

I have made a decision that anyone elses bad mood, bad day, bad decisions, do not affect my day, my decisions or my life. It will affect their relationship with God and their kids. I am responsible for my behavior and I will no longer take the blame for another's.

Basically what all this comes down to is I matured.

You see, Our soul is eternal, but it didn't come alive until we were conceived. And when I was born again (which I feel like I just was this year, even though I have been for years), my spirit came alive. So from the time I was born again, my soul was in charge of my life. Once I was born again and my spirit starts telling my soul what to do, my soul throws a fit like a little baby. I had to wean my soul. I needed it to grow up. Psalm 131:1 says, "Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." If it's not in the bosom of God, my soul will act like a baby all of the time. The one thing that will calm my soul is to be held by God.That is where I have found my healing.

I have had the most amazing 3 months. I study, I play, I dance, I journal, I read, I hang out, I give, I smile, I laugh, I do what is positive and stay away from stress and negative.